How to Respond to Angry Emails
5 strategies to keep in mind before you hit reply
Have you heard that we’re in the midst of a crisis of rudeness? If you’ve been on the receiving end of a rude or angry email, you probably felt the urge to defend yourself—facts! Receipts! Maybe even a polite-but-pointed insult.
Here’s why I don’t recommend firing back.
If you don’t already know me, teaching people to write better emails is a big part of my job at Bold Type. In our workshops, we remind our clients that even their most mundane emails are important. If you work somewhere newsworthy, your emails could end up published in an exposé. In some situations, an email can constitute a legally binding contract. And even if none of that happens, they live online forever, easily searchable, forming a part of your personal brand and representing your ability to communicate professionally.
This list was originally put together for a team of teachers and instructional designers taking our Email Masterclass workshop. They appreciated our everyday email etiquette tips, but requested a guide to help them respond to an influx of mean and heated emails from frustrated parents. I created this list (and accompanying template) to help them respond without getting drawn into an argument that wouldn’t represent them or their organization the way they wanted.
So, how do we respond when emotions are high? Next time you get an angry email, pause, consider your digital footprint, and try the 5 tips below. If rudeness really is on the rise, you’ll need them.
1. DO Acknowledge the email and make the person feel heard (“I understand”)
Empathizing and considering why their concern is important does not mean that you are accepting blame or agreeing with their assessment of what happened—it means that you are acknowledging their feelings about what happened.
2. DON’T get drawn into a debate or re-hash the details (“Actually…”)
It may be tempting to respond with “proof” that you are right and the person emailing you is wrong, but if they are upset and looking for a fight, this won’t help. You can briefly state the facts (see example below), but it’s better to keep the focus on steps 1 and 3.
3. DO shift focus to the future and next steps (“I want to help…” “Going forward…”)
As quickly as possible, move your email toward what will happen next. This is a more productive place to get into details than in a debate about the past. Make sure these items (rules, action steps, plans) are things you can really deliver.
4. DO always keep your tone professional and positive (“Thank you”)
Write every email as though it could be published in the New York Times tomorrow. The record of your email correspondence never really goes away, so make sure it’s always representing you well. Mean or aggressive emails can feel extremely personal, but they say much more about the sender than the recipient! It’s not worth it to make it personal or devolve into grumpiness yourself in your response.
Sometimes, a sender is just looking for someone (anyone) to fight with. Staying professional, brief, and upbeat in your response makes them less likely to choose you as that person. They’ll move on to someone who is more satisfying to argue with.
5. DO manage expectations about communication (“Let’s plan to speak again after…”)
Always end a communication by making it crystal clear when the next point of communication will take place and who will be responsible for making that happen.
It’s also best to acknowledge receipt of angry or “heated” emails promptly—but that doesn’t mean you need to have all the answers right away. If you get an angry email at an odd time of day, or if you need some extra time to craft a calm and professional response, you can always try sending something like this to buy yourself time:
Hello, I wanted to let you know that I have received your note and will send you a more detailed response… [ as soon as I have time to properly address your important concerns / as soon as I return to the office / as soon as my teaching responsibilities end for the day ].
Feel free to copy and paste the template below to get you started.
One final tip: draft and edit your important or sensitive emails in a Google or Word doc instead of directly in the email thread. This isn’t the time for an accidentally-hit-send-while-editing moment!
Hi [Name],
I understand that you [are disappointed / concerned / have questions] about [re-state the issue] and I want to help.
I can assure you that [if absolutely necessary, a BRIEF statement of fact: every student gets the appropriate amount of time on tests / no class size is over 25 as per our policy / we made sure to send multiple notifications about the schedule change] and I understand why this is so important to you. [Issue: clear communication / fair testing / small class size ] is very important to [me / us / the school] as well.
Going forward, [we will / let’s try / you can expect]
● Items
● You can actually
● Deliver
Thank you for communicating with [me / us] about your [concerns / feedback / questions].
I will follow up with you / Let’s check in again [how: by phone / by email] [when: next week / at the end of the semester / after the next quiz / if not resolved by ____ ].
Best,
